The swirling toilet of Scottish football analysis has plunged new depths this week as the Rangers penalty conspiracy rolls on and the tinfoil hat becomes the height of fashion.
Rangers fans are used to this kind of groundbreaking coverage by now, with dubious decision-making, ultra-slow replays and definitive screenshot evidence proof that – *checks notes* – the Grand Lodge of Freemasonry have conspired to ensure penalties are not awarded against Rangers.
But whilst this narrative has normally been the preserve of the more simple and paranoid of those to Glasgow’s east, the utterly draining conversation has now pierced the mainstream and well, we want to point our finger and have a right old laugh at it. Ha, bloody, ha.
This week’s focus is a certainly innocuous enough decision surrounding Rangers vice-captain Connor Goldson and Aberdeen forward Duk in the weekend’s Ibrox clash between the sides.
The notion that the following clip, where Duk is pulling down Goldson’s arm and the two tussle at the edge of the box, is a stonewall penalty is just utter, utter rubbish.
Rangers conspiracy moonhowling turns to dog whistling
The bold Barry Robson – suitably conditioned from his time at Parkhead we’re sure – sought to deflect away from his own side’s failings in Rangers’ 1-0 Premiership victory by calling out the VAR team.
As managers look to play the media, it’s an increasingly easy out when you want to protect your team and get all the focus back on Big Bad Rangers. Diddums.
According to the new Dons boss, VAR missed a blatant penalty call and should be ashamed of themselves, with Rangers winning the game through a Todd Cantwell strike after the Dons spurned a couple of big chances.
In doing so, the manager brought a nothing decision from the match under the Scottish football microscope where the game’s greatest minds have collectively fused their neo-cortexes together in order to get to the bottom of it.
On the bandwagon jumped Aberdeen supporting journalist Graham Hunter, who isn’t without a contempt of Rangers certainly, as well as academic powerhouse Michael Stewart, who models himself as a sort of Scottish footballing blend of Socrates and Andy Stewart, to champion the cause.
“Disgusting” they howl, “absolutely embarrassing” they cry. It wasn’t even a penalty!
And there was the panel of yer embarrassing next door neighbour’s favourite Celtic, sorry neutral, Scottish football YouTube channel PLZ Soccer, who in the below clip make a discussion six pints deep in the back of the Brazen Head look like University Challenge.
The cerebral power of Tam McManus, Alan Rough and Peter Martin is as equally enchanting and is it utterly, utterly demoralising. Alison McConnell also has a real authoritative, intellectual aura when it comes to this subject, don’t you think? Seriously but, are these people OK?
All groaning, all greeting, all buttering up nonsense Rangers conspiracy theories which have traditionally been the preserve of Celtic-leaning mentalists. You cannot take it seriously.
Whilst we should add that no-one is directly saying it, all of this stems back to the same old conspiracy theories about Masonic influence in refereeing that we’ve been laughing at for generations.
Rangers penalties against all that will pacify the hordes
Rangers, a team who dominate 95% of football matches at Ibrox, haven’t had a league penalty awarded against them this season.
I’ve yet to see one which is a stonewaller and it is utterly ludicrous that referees should be pressured into awarding penalty kicks based on statistics rather than what they see on the park.
We can laugh, but ultimately that is the end game here. Give dubious decisions against Rangers to even up the paranoid score which is born from the minds of Celtic supporting conspiracists and now fully part of the vocabulary of Ibrox-baiting dotards.
Even if for some the penalty situation is in the “seen them given” camp, the idea that this is a clear as day, no debate, Aberdeen spot-kick is just complete tosh which can only be attributed to wailing dogs upset at the result.
I hope that those who peddle this nonsense are having a read of this, and that in some way, the fact I am treating it with the utter contempt and ridicule it deserves hits home.
There is no conspiracy to either stop Rangers giving away or to give Rangers more penalty kicks. There is no unseen Masonic hand brainwashing our whistlers. The Americans did indeed land on the moon in 1969.
But that’s exactly what they want you to think!
